Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Confessions of the Forbidden Love: The Lover that was

"Love that we cannot have is the one that Last the longest, Hurts the deepest and Feels the Strongest" Anonymous 

As I draw the curtains to a successful year that was, yet painful it has been. I can only be grateful to the bond we have shared for the last 2 years. Following my confessions in my first letter read here, I decided it’s worth writing to you (this second part) as I put my loss behind me. I will close my eyes and speak from deep my heart. First, I endeavour not to drag you along to 2015 but instead cross over without any remorse or burden. Secondly, I reckon that you will forever be still and understand that life has to move on. I will no longer cry over spilt milk but search for the calf to breed for more milk. Finally, that’s how I choose to live the next phase of my life.

Yes, I'm aware of my selfishness, it’s all about me, but the thought of you leaving is an incentive to look for someone else. So that I will share this love you have taught me, these emotions will kill me if I don't find someone soon. I cannot stand seeing you this near to departing and being helpless. For your information, before I met you I was with, Ellen, when she left I met Emery, another beautiful blonde, Emery did not last long, in a week’s time I met Emilie, though she had a slender and small stature, I loved cuddling with her. However, due to unavoidable circumstances, we had to part, ours lasted a couple of months.

The list is endless, finally, I met Erine, in one of those emotional occasions, yes, it was during a wedding.  We talked, laughed and even hugged on the first day. I offered to walk her home, unaware that she lived in another city. In one of those cities that take 6-7 hours by car. Luckily, she turned me down; she saved my long slender twigs from the torturous nature of our mother land’s roads. But what she did not know is that I fell in love with her, from the strands of my hair to the nails on my toes, held together by my heels. From that day I never found sleep, or rest or satisfaction from the best meals my mum cooked. You know she is the best cook on earth, right, after your mother of course.

Unwittingly, I say that because, neither cell nor nerve in my body resisted my relocation to Erine's city. I went there to pursue her, with all my strength, energy, few pennies and my whole mental wit. I knew it was a big risk, but I went there despite all the advice I got against such a move. I simply trusted my instincts. Summarily, after stalking her for ages and sending tonnes of flowers to her office, she gave in.  I simply single handed turned her premises to a flower shop. I later heard, that her boss was getting millions for selling and exporting flowers. Perhaps I should have opened a flower shop for her next to the office. That way I would still make sure she was surrounded by flowers every day and made money out of it. It would have been a worthy investment for us. I would get the money and she could get the serenity surrounded by the flowers sold at the shop without spending my money.  

To be honest, I lied about this when you asked me about Erine's story. I didn't want to bother you with the nitty gritty. No, in fact, I didn't want to touch base with the feelings I had for her. She was the most loving, cheerful, humorous and the queen that made me conqueror of my kingdom. I never wanted you to compete with that. That’s why I didn’t tell you anything. I am guilty of that, yes I accept but I'm guilty of many other things. For instance, I am guilty of allowing you to intrude and make me cheat on Erine, Yes, when I met you, I was with her, for your information that time she was pregnant with our first child or maybe it was twins. The flesh of my flesh, the blood of my blood, saliva of my saliva.

I'm Guilty, very guilty indeed; because I let my lust for you distort my thinking. I know I said I was single; you don’t have to feel guilty. I am the one to blame. For that very reason, I saw you and saw Erine, I don't know what happened to me. I remember when I proposed to Erine, I promised her never ever to look at another woman lustily, that she had stolen my lust and hid it in a faraway country. That my eyes were for her, only for her. That I was never to compare any woman to her. Not even attempt to match her standards to that of another woman. Erine was to be the only apple tree in my Orchard that I would eat from.

For heaven’s sake, then you appeared. I think the devil is smart or that he really was an angel sometime. You appeared to be concealed in an angelic aura. I reckon that's why you might have obscured my judgement. You made me do something that I had never done before in the years of my life. I broke my promise to Erine, which I had strongly decided to keep. What is more shocking though was the fact that you made me break a promise to myself. I hope by now you understand when I say I'm selfish, this is the very reason that I will be forever haunted as you leave now.

I remember the day I opened up to Erine. It was exactly two months after I had met you. It took me that long to gather the courage to let her know that I had broken the promise I swore with all my earthly might to keep. Since that very incident, her health deteriorated never to recover from what seemed like a nightmare. Later, she succumbed to depression, a few weeks after loosing our child. For a moment, I felt like taking the plunge and following her and our baby even to the deepest trench in hell. Whatever it would have taken for me to pay for my betrayal. Then I thought, for a while, nothing I could ever do would bring back our child and Erine to me. That's how I ended with you, maybe it was by design, maybe by default. Perhaps you were my healer or the deliverer of my punishment. 

For now I will no longer mourn, I bet you re in a better place. I will move on and cross over without any trace of remorse. I have confessed my days and I have appreciated our union, nothing meant the world than the sight of you. I pray that you forever be happy in your new resting place. Know that you will find an angel that you surely deserve. I am and will be forever grateful for your love. I can confidently say, you taught me to love.

From deep down my heart, thank you for your love.  2014 HAS BEEN GREAT BUT TRUSTING GOD 2015 WILL BE GREATER.

Special dedication to you, Good bye my lover James Blunt

I have written in this letter IN LOVING MEMORY of you.
R. I. P my ONE, and only, Hate iT or Conquer, you brought SENSE in my life. I will miss you.
Your loving, caring and forever grateful Lover.
Signed William Moore


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