Confessions of the Forbidden Love: The Lover that was

"Love that we cannot have is the one that Last the longest, Hurts the deepest and Feels the Strongest" Anonymous 

As I draw the curtains to a successful year that was, yet painful it has been. I can only be grateful to the bond we have shared for the last 2 years. Following my confessions in my first letter read here, I decided it’s worth writing to you (this second part) as I put my loss behind me. I will close my eyes and speak from deep my heart. First, I endeavour not to drag you along to 2015 but instead cross over without any remorse or burden. Secondly, I reckon that you will forever be still and understand that life has to move on. I will no longer cry over spilt milk but search for the calf to breed for more milk. Finally, that’s how I choose to live the next phase of my life.

Yes, I'm aware of my selfishness, it’s all about me, but the thought of you leaving is an incentive to look for someone else. So that I will share this love you have taught me, these emotions will kill me if I don't find someone soon. I cannot stand seeing you this near to departing and being helpless. For your information, before I met you I was with, Ellen, when she left I met Emery, another beautiful blonde, Emery did not last long, in a week’s time I met Emilie, though she had a slender and small stature, I loved cuddling with her. However, due to unavoidable circumstances, we had to part, ours lasted a couple of months.

The list is endless, finally, I met Erine, in one of those emotional occasions, yes, it was during a wedding.  We talked, laughed and even hugged on the first day. I offered to walk her home, unaware that she lived in another city. In one of those cities that take 6-7 hours by car. Luckily, she turned me down; she saved my long slender twigs from the torturous nature of our mother land’s roads. But what she did not know is that I fell in love with her, from the strands of my hair to the nails on my toes, held together by my heels. From that day I never found sleep, or rest or satisfaction from the best meals my mum cooked. You know she is the best cook on earth, right, after your mother of course.

Unwittingly, I say that because, neither cell nor nerve in my body resisted my relocation to Erine's city. I went there to pursue her, with all my strength, energy, few pennies and my whole mental wit. I knew it was a big risk, but I went there despite all the advice I got against such a move. I simply trusted my instincts. Summarily, after stalking her for ages and sending tonnes of flowers to her office, she gave in.  I simply single handed turned her premises to a flower shop. I later heard, that her boss was getting millions for selling and exporting flowers. Perhaps I should have opened a flower shop for her next to the office. That way I would still make sure she was surrounded by flowers every day and made money out of it. It would have been a worthy investment for us. I would get the money and she could get the serenity surrounded by the flowers sold at the shop without spending my money.  

To be honest, I lied about this when you asked me about Erine's story. I didn't want to bother you with the nitty gritty. No, in fact, I didn't want to touch base with the feelings I had for her. She was the most loving, cheerful, humorous and the queen that made me conqueror of my kingdom. I never wanted you to compete with that. That’s why I didn’t tell you anything. I am guilty of that, yes I accept but I'm guilty of many other things. For instance, I am guilty of allowing you to intrude and make me cheat on Erine, Yes, when I met you, I was with her, for your information that time she was pregnant with our first child or maybe it was twins. The flesh of my flesh, the blood of my blood, saliva of my saliva.

I'm Guilty, very guilty indeed; because I let my lust for you distort my thinking. I know I said I was single; you don’t have to feel guilty. I am the one to blame. For that very reason, I saw you and saw Erine, I don't know what happened to me. I remember when I proposed to Erine, I promised her never ever to look at another woman lustily, that she had stolen my lust and hid it in a faraway country. That my eyes were for her, only for her. That I was never to compare any woman to her. Not even attempt to match her standards to that of another woman. Erine was to be the only apple tree in my Orchard that I would eat from.

For heaven’s sake, then you appeared. I think the devil is smart or that he really was an angel sometime. You appeared to be concealed in an angelic aura. I reckon that's why you might have obscured my judgement. You made me do something that I had never done before in the years of my life. I broke my promise to Erine, which I had strongly decided to keep. What is more shocking though was the fact that you made me break a promise to myself. I hope by now you understand when I say I'm selfish, this is the very reason that I will be forever haunted as you leave now.

I remember the day I opened up to Erine. It was exactly two months after I had met you. It took me that long to gather the courage to let her know that I had broken the promise I swore with all my earthly might to keep. Since that very incident, her health deteriorated never to recover from what seemed like a nightmare. Later, she succumbed to depression, a few weeks after loosing our child. For a moment, I felt like taking the plunge and following her and our baby even to the deepest trench in hell. Whatever it would have taken for me to pay for my betrayal. Then I thought, for a while, nothing I could ever do would bring back our child and Erine to me. That's how I ended with you, maybe it was by design, maybe by default. Perhaps you were my healer or the deliverer of my punishment. 

For now I will no longer mourn, I bet you re in a better place. I will move on and cross over without any trace of remorse. I have confessed my days and I have appreciated our union, nothing meant the world than the sight of you. I pray that you forever be happy in your new resting place. Know that you will find an angel that you surely deserve. I am and will be forever grateful for your love. I can confidently say, you taught me to love.

From deep down my heart, thank you for your love.  2014 HAS BEEN GREAT BUT TRUSTING GOD 2015 WILL BE GREATER.

Special dedication to you, Good bye my lover James Blunt. 

I have written in this letter IN LOVING MEMORY of you.

R. I. P my ONE, and only, Hate iT or Conquer, you brought SENSE in my life. I will miss you.

Your loving, caring and forever grateful Lover.

Signed William Moore

(c)2015

THE PAIN OF LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVED, THE LOVER OF YOUR LIFE

What a start to a Morning-when sad news beckons at your door.

I woke up to the voice of my mum. We had a chat though got both good News, Congratulations cousin for your baby boy, and bad news of the passing on of a relative. However, am grateful for his mercies endures forever. It is sort of a mixed emotion, as it is always awesome to welcome a new soul to this would it is equally a hard fact to accept the departure of a loved one. 

The paining of losing someone you love is real. Most so your loved one, the apple of your life. The love of your world. I am in pain, deeply wounded. God give me strength to overcome your impending departure.

It never stopped there, as i left my house this morning, I came face to face with the worst ever saddest news. For a period of 2 years now, I have held, caressed, hugged, protected and almost the most amazing person in my live. I never thought I will see you this broken to pieces. I never imagine of you ever leaving me. In fact I have dreaded the moment I will have to say good bye to you.

This person has been the most trusted, loving, loyal and above all motivator for the last 2 years. She has made me realise how handsome, caring and attached I can be. She even made me realise that I can love without expecting to be loved back, give without questioning and has made me keep in touch with my loved ones and all that I have met.

She has been my source of knowledge, my only password to the deepest of my secrets, she knows me inside out, the lies, the sincerity, the humility and the humour I have. She has tolerated my unkindness,my unfaithfulness, my poverty, my inadequateness, my rudeness and my jealousness all those 2 year. Above all, she has loved me with all this inadequateness and without ever complaining. Even when she does, she has done that in the deepest of secrecy to date.

I have always wondered, how we met, how she came to love me this much. Every time, i cant really tell how we exactly have survived all those years. I cant Imagine what life s going to be without her. How do I bring myself to even love another soul like I love you. How do I snatch my heart, and deprive you the love and memories we have shared.

I remember, when we first met, my feet were swept away by your beauty. Not only from the outside but from the the inside as well. Your curves, your face, your power to withstand and operate, and process everything I asked you to do. Without even questioning my intention. Imean what more can a man ask from his love. The first few days I spent holding you, caressing your face, hugging, kissing you, ooops, even when you had asked me to be slow with things. I even made delicacies meals just for you to see what skiils i got. I offered you the best wine, juices and drinks I could find. All to make you drunk with my love.

I am never one to talk a lot, but the thought of losing you can turn me into a type writer. I feeling like telling the world what we have gone through, through riches and in poverty, sadness and happiness, laughter and tears, in sicknes and in health. Ours have been a relationship that the world will envy. I will tell them of moment when i almost broke my limbs dashing across the room to resuscitate you because you before you lost your breathe, the moments when I will threaten to kill anyone because i could not trace you, the chills you sent through my body when I felt your touch, the smile I had when you came calling, and the adrenaline that fell on me when I had left without you.

How will i deal with these emotions, who will understand me as you did, who will even provide me with support, information and an outlet for me to be the best I can without complaining. Who will remind me that i need to speak to my family, friends, and even enemies. You have made me forgive many people as well as find my lost friends. You have been my number one supporter in my live.

I think even God might have notices and been jealous of our relationship. I remember all those times I have cut short my prayers, or even sneaked out of church to see you, missed a lot of sermons to spend time with you. I almost worship you one time but you quickly reminded me that you are with me because God let me have you. You told me to Love god first, then our love will blossom.

That was the first ever real wisdom I have come across beside that of Solomon in the bible. You have even carried a free copy of the bible just in case I needed to refer to it, or I needed some encouragement. My God, if only you can save this great she, I will forever be your servant. But if you still decide its time for her to leave, then I will accept it. because i know you will help me find someone who can at least give me 50% of what she had done.

I hope I will one day understand the reason why you have to leave. There is a lot I had planned for us. To travel the world with you, to make as many babies as possible, to care and nurture our loved ones. Even though you had no womb, I had hope we could get kids. I mean sarah Had a baby boy when she was 90 years, King Melchezedech was added extra 15 year on top of his life. Why can't God have mercy and grant yu even 15 days so that I could give you more of my love, spent more time adoring you.

Right now, nothing is far from the truth. It is painful to loose someone you love, It is inconceivable to know that you will never see, hear, or touch your loved ones when they depart. The though of a day without you in my life makes me want to die with you. The anger I feel can make me single handedly destroy the whole US Marine Army, Commando style, why Lie. I will do anything to see you regain your strength, your shape, your smile, your vigour, your beauty, honey, name it and you have it, your wish is my command.

It really pains when your loved one is hurting and you can not help them. That they are shattered in pieces but you cannot you cannot glue them back to their original self. That they are dying and you cannot give them your life. That, exactly that is what am going through. I hold on to my faith, that you will not die on me, That you will live a bit longer, that you will stay until I can find a replacement.

Though I know your days are numbered I will be hopeful. I still have a few days with you. So I know I have a chance to make the days to come count. I will narrate to you stories. I will never leave your bed i will never let you sleep alone. I will forever be grateful for your love, our memories and you presence in my life.

I have written in this letter IN LOVING MEMORY of you.

R. I. P my ONE, and only, Hate iT or Conquer, you brought SENSE in my life. I will miss you.

Your loving caring and forever grateful Lover.

Signed William Moore