Dear my Good Landlord,
Monday, 27 October 2014
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY LANDLORD: MY SALARY IS MINE NOT YOURS, AS THE MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER
Dear my Good Landlord,
I send many greetings from the confines of my humble dwelling. Today I had no other choice than to write you this letter after receiving your eviction notice fourth time in 2 months. Although, I must say that I'm very tired as a fat pig waiting to be slaughtered. Honestly, by the time I got home I could not even swallow last night’s leftovers. Despite the fact that it was meatless, the food was almost stale as electricity was disconnected last week. But I had to eat just to get energy to write you this letter. I'm tired of your shenanigan evictions.
This is the only plan that is left to ensure I do not take myself to Mental Hospital by next week. I’m sure you will accept my request as you will be the most affected on my list of creditors apart from Otieno, Ijioma and Wakithomo. Doctor, honorable, reverend landlord, I have thought hard on how to escape from my creditors, you included. I have now devised a plan, to fake mental insanity. Yes, the main reason to cling to a mental illness will be mainly to enchant the judges so that your threats to take me to jail because you are friend with Inspector Kimeu will bear no fruits. I would rather live in the confines of a mental facility than see the inside of jail with my eyes, not even in my coffin.
As you know very well the month is at the corner, on the last 200 meters of what seems to have been a 42 km marathon with steeplechase combined. I know you are aware that my meager peanut of a salary is soon coming. That is because you are friends with Waithera my bosses’ secretary. I used the word friends, just to make this easier for us. But the truth is not far from my eyes. In fact, I know about the secret rendezvous you have been having with her. You know Waites, as we call her in the office, doesn’t know how to keep secrets. Also, her technical ineptness makes her forward your messages accidentally to Njaro, driver wa Kamwana. So for your information I have reliable evidence but because I am a good tenant, I will protect your interest if you protect mine too. Anyway I’m suffering my brother, my eyes have heard no positive news nor did my ears witness any peace.
My friend, this last two weeks have been hell on earth for me. You remember my neighbor Kamau, he has threatened to hire those shaggy looking men called Mungiki from his home Muranga to lay ambush on me and dethrone my head from its place. I made a terrible mistake when I borrowed him KES 125.50 last week to buy a quarter of a quarter KG of meat and a gororo of unga after mama Boi threatened to leave for the village and leave me with our five children. My goodness, everybody In our plot knows about this. I have to sneak into my own house so that Kamau does not embarrass me mbele ya watoto kwa plot. Not forgetting that I change my route every journey as I fear that he has already hired those mean Mungiki men. Surely, Mboss, if it were you what would you have done?
I will not forget Otieno, I hear his friends call him Man-Oti –s with swagga, eeeeeh, I think it’s because the guy akona MANOTI. Every week I come home I see a new model of car parked outside his house bwana. Hapana, not just any model of car, it is either sijui Mercedes S-class, Jaguar, Range Rover, Sijui Bentley, bwana kwani does MAN-OTIS play for Arsenal Football club. I hear he jets out of the country using a concord every weekend Arsenal is playing and comes back Monday morning. Yesoooo, what did I do to you. Anyway, that is not the problem; in fact that is the easiest part. The major problem is that Man-Otis has those hands we call “Mikono ya Birika”
No matter how hard you try to convince him to lend you money, even KES 1,000 ONLY without interest, he will not. In fact, he charges you 50% interest instead. Now you wonder, will I work to pay Otis or will I pay you. However, Otis is wise; although I owe him KES 2,709 he managed to blackmail me to give him my Samsung Fridge as security. I have tirelessly begged him to return it so that I can keep my food Isharibike but it looks like ameauza tayari. For you, I’m sorry you did not tell me to give you security. Thus, you will lose all the money I owe you unless you accept what I will offer as I look for the balance to pay you.
About Nnenne Ijioma, that woman has well- nourished calabash shaped body. She is a pretty African woman I tell you. When I met her I was moving from neck to toe but frozen from the chin upwards, yaani niling’ethia nikimwangalia hata na akili (gazed looking at her even with my brain). It took me several months and a few thousands millions shillings from my account before I convinced her to date me. You know she comes from Nigeria now, she go came from Niger delta, Ibo state where oil de come from. They diga diga Oil for Monie, and go make more monie from de yams. When I learned that her father owns one of the oil well in Niger Delta, there and then I fell down with love. I saw millions of dollars with my poor eyesight imaginations.
Ijioma, the queen of my throne, the sweet yam, made me borrow millions from my bank just to spend on her. You know they say those who spend more monie make monie, as in you use monie to make monie, eeeeheeehhh. I spent millions to spoil this MOMO of a woman. My kikuyu instincts told me I was making good investments. They convinced me that I would marry my Queen Ijioma, to be the MOMO of my ten children. Goodness forbid, she is the reason I’m writing this letter today, by the time I discovered she was not from Ibo state, nor was her father an owner of an oil well. In fact the closest her father had come to a well was digging his father’s grave. She had milked me and left me for dead. I thank God I survived, devil be a liar ooooh.
The reason she will not suffer from myself induced insanity (yaani wendawazimu) is that she loathes me for spoiling her engagement to Mzee Taabu. I had to tell Mzee Taabu the kind of woman she was. In fact she had connived to send him straight to his grave the moment they got married. She had hatched a plan of killing him by seducing the old mzee. That man would have got a heart attack from an adrenaline flow of his blood from the heart to his manhood. Once he saw the natural clothe of that woman. I know she will even dance on top of my grave when I die. Therefore, I hope you will help me to help you.
Then comes Wakithomo, that man that lives in the next prot ya mama Kipkoech. He always walks with his head covered in a white sheet. Sometimes I wonder whether he is hiding his receding hair line. Other times I think he is not man enough to take a comb and comb his hair. Maybe he will tell me. Now, I always borrow Wakithomo mbeca, he is very kind to me. In fact, the last money I paid for my last year’s rent balance, I got from him. He is very generous. I think he is good because he is a pastor. He collects all the tithe and offering in his church. I hear he is the one who even counts it.
The only problem with Wakithomo is one. He does not like it when I miss to attend a service. He even calls and sends several sms to remind me to give my tithe, which I give generously because he says that God is seeing me. That he will reward me with the same measure I give him. Therefore, I decided to give double my tithe so that I get double portion back. That is 4 times the amount I should give. No don’t be too happy, I am still waiting to hear from god. I think I sinned or something like that. It has been several years without getting a reply. Maybe it’s because I have not registered for an email. The replies keep bouncing back as he cannot communicate with me. I will send Wakithomo this month to help me convince him. I will be willing to ask him a favor for you. That is only when you agree to help me to help you.
Now, the major reason I write this letter is that as you are looking forward to get your money so I’m I. With that very anticipation I await my salary, that peanuts one. You know, sometimes I wonder why they have to keep my salary till the end of the month whilst YOU demand I pay my rent in advance. Why, can’t I pay my rent at the end of the month? That way I will be able to appraise whether I enjoyed my time in your house. I would have to deduct from your dues for things I didn’t like. For instance, noise disturbance allowance, delay in opening the gate due to watchman sleeping habits, sewage blockage etc. You know my boss deducts me lateness fee, tax, NHIF, NSSF, TGIF, LMFAO etc.
No wonder you don’t even care when we tell you our drainage blocked, or the watchman is rude. I will call a Plot 10 meeting to discuss this, according to the new constitution dispensation, Ni Haki Yetu. As I had said earlier I will have trouble paying next month’s rent and other arrears I owe you. I write to warn you in advance. This month I have worked hard so I think I will reward myself very hard as well. So as evidence on how I plan to spend my money, yes I said it, it is my money not yours, see attached.
I will pay myself 51% of my salary first, as the major shareholder, which will mostly go to entertaining me to reward this body that has worked hard. 15% will go to mama Boi for food. I will pay 7% utility bills kwanza so that power and water is no disconnected again, and then I will give Wakithome 13%. Finally, I will give you the rest. I insist this letter is between me and you, and I warn you THIS IS ABSOLUTELY PRIVATE, IF YOU LEAK THIS TO MAMA MBOGA, WAKITHOMA AMA MAMA BOI, I will sue you.
After you read this letter, I will continue staying in your house without disturbance. I have known your tricks now. You always want to have my money even before I can enjoy it. You will not continue to enjoy my money and I have not enjoyed the house. From now henceforth I will pay you at the end of the month. That’s when I’m paid. I don’t do business like Man-Otis or Mama mboga, or even Wakithomo. Also, I don’t circumvent the men’s wallets like Ijioma does. For me I work diligently then I wait patiently for my money at the end of the month. Therefore I know you will understand. You help me I help you. Remember I know what you have been doing with Waites, and you know my wife and yours are friends. I could finish you with lighting a small fire in my bedroom.
Thank you for understanding.
Yours faithful and sincere tenant,