I send many
greetings from the confines of my humble dwelling. Today I had no other choice
than to write you this letter after receiving your eviction notice fourth time in 2 months. Although, I must say that
I'm very tired as a fat pig waiting to be slaughtered. Honestly, by the time I got
home I could not even swallow last night’s leftovers. Despite the fact that it
was meatless, the food was almost stale as electricity was disconnected last
week. But I had to eat just to get energy to write you this letter. I'm tired of your shenanigan evictions.
This is the
only plan that is left to ensure I do not take myself to Mental Hospital by
next week. I’m sure you will accept my request as you will be the most affected
on my list of creditors apart from Otieno, Ijioma and Wakithomo. Doctor, honorable, reverend landlord, I have
thought hard on how to escape from my creditors, you included. I have now devised
a plan, to fake mental insanity. Yes, the main reason to cling to a mental
illness will be mainly to enchant the judges so that your threats to take me to
jail because you are friend with Inspector Kimeu will bear no fruits. I would rather
live in the confines of a mental facility than see the inside of jail with my
eyes, not even in my coffin.
As you know
very well the month is at the corner, on the last 200 meters of what seems to
have been a 42 km marathon with steeplechase combined. I know you are aware
that my meager peanut of a salary is soon coming. That is because you are
friends with Waithera my bosses’ secretary. I used the word friends, just to
make this easier for us. But the truth is not far from my eyes. In fact, I know
about the secret rendezvous you have been having with her. You know Waites, as
we call her in the office, doesn’t know how to keep secrets. Also, her
technical ineptness makes her forward your messages accidentally to Njaro,
driver wa Kamwana. So for your information I have reliable evidence but because
I am a good tenant, I will protect your interest if you protect mine too. Anyway
I’m suffering my brother, my eyes have heard no positive news nor did my ears
witness any peace.
My friend,
this last two weeks have been hell on earth for me. You remember my neighbor
Kamau, he has threatened to hire those shaggy looking men called Mungiki from
his home Muranga to lay ambush on me and dethrone my head from its place. I
made a terrible mistake when I borrowed him KES 125.50 last week to buy a quarter
of a quarter KG of meat and a gororo of unga after mama Boi threatened to leave
for the village and leave me with our five children. My goodness, everybody In
our plot knows about this. I have to sneak into my own house so that Kamau does
not embarrass me mbele ya watoto kwa plot. Not forgetting that I change my
route every journey as I fear that he has already hired those mean Mungiki men.
Surely, Mboss, if it were you what would you have done?
I will not
forget Otieno, I hear his friends call him Man-Oti –s with swagga, eeeeeh, I think
it’s because the guy akona MANOTI. Every week I come home I see a new model of
car parked outside his house bwana. Hapana, not just any model of car, it is either
sijui Mercedes S-class, Jaguar, Range Rover, Sijui Bentley, bwana kwani does
MAN-OTIS play for Arsenal Football club. I hear he jets out of the country using
a concord every weekend Arsenal is playing and comes back Monday morning.
Yesoooo, what did I do to you. Anyway, that is not the problem; in fact that is
the easiest part. The major problem is that Man-Otis has those hands we call “Mikono ya Birika”
No matter how
hard you try to convince him to lend you money, even KES 1,000 ONLY without
interest, he will not. In fact, he charges you 50% interest instead. Now you
wonder, will I work to pay Otis or will I pay you. However, Otis is wise; although I owe him KES 2,709
he managed to blackmail me to give him my Samsung Fridge as security. I have tirelessly
begged him to return it so that I can keep my food Isharibike but it looks like
ameauza tayari. For you, I’m sorry you did not tell me to give you security. Thus, you will lose all the money I owe you
unless you accept what I will offer as I look for the balance to pay you.
About Nnenne
Ijioma, that woman has well- nourished calabash shaped body. She is a pretty African
woman I tell you. When I met her I was moving from neck to toe but frozen from
the chin upwards, yaani niling’ethia nikimwangalia hata na akili (gazed looking
at her even with my brain). It took me several months and a few thousands
millions shillings from my account before I convinced her to date me. You know
she comes from Nigeria now, she go came from Niger delta, Ibo state where oil
de come from. They diga diga Oil for Monie, and go make more monie from de
yams. When I learned that her father owns one of the oil well in Niger Delta,
there and then I fell down with love. I saw millions of dollars with my poor
eyesight imaginations.
Ijioma, the
queen of my throne, the sweet yam, made me borrow millions from my bank just to
spend on her. You know they say those who spend more monie make monie, as in
you use monie to make monie, eeeeheeehhh. I spent millions to spoil this MOMO of a woman. My kikuyu instincts told me I was making good investments. They convinced
me that I would marry my Queen Ijioma, to be the MOMO of my ten children. Goodness
forbid, she is the reason I’m writing this letter today, by the time I
discovered she was not from Ibo state,
nor was her father an owner of an oil well. In fact the closest her father had
come to a well was digging his father’s grave. She had milked me and left me for
dead. I thank God I survived, devil be a liar ooooh.
The reason she
will not suffer from myself induced insanity (yaani wendawazimu) is that she
loathes me for spoiling her engagement to Mzee Taabu. I had to tell Mzee Taabu
the kind of woman she was. In fact she had connived to send him straight to his
grave the moment they got married. She had hatched a plan of killing him by
seducing the old mzee. That man would have got a heart attack from an
adrenaline flow of his blood from the heart to his manhood. Once he saw the natural
clothe of that woman. I know she will even dance on top of my grave when I die.
Therefore, I hope you will help me to
help you.
Then comes
Wakithomo, that man that lives in the next prot ya mama Kipkoech. He always
walks with his head covered in a white sheet. Sometimes I wonder whether he is
hiding his receding hair line. Other times I think he is not man enough to take
a comb and comb his hair. Maybe he will tell me. Now, I always borrow Wakithomo
mbeca, he is very kind to me. In fact, the last money I paid for my last year’s
rent balance, I got from him. He is very generous. I think he is good because
he is a pastor. He collects all the tithe and offering in his church. I hear he
is the one who even counts it.
The only
problem with Wakithomo is one. He does not like it when I miss to attend a
service. He even calls and sends several sms to remind me to give my tithe, which
I give generously because he says that God is seeing me. That he will reward me
with the same measure I give him. Therefore, I decided to give double my tithe
so that I get double portion back. That is 4 times the amount I should give. No
don’t be too happy, I am still waiting to hear from god. I think I sinned or
something like that. It has been several years without getting a reply. Maybe it’s
because I have not registered for an email. The replies keep bouncing back as
he cannot communicate with me. I will send Wakithomo this month to help me
convince him. I will be willing to ask him a favor for you. That is only when
you agree to help me to help you.
Now, the major
reason I write this letter is that as you are looking forward to get your money
so I’m I. With that very anticipation I await my salary, that peanuts one. You
know, sometimes I wonder why they have to keep my salary till the end of the
month whilst YOU demand I pay my rent in advance. Why, can’t I pay my rent at
the end of the month? That way I will be able to appraise whether I enjoyed my
time in your house. I would have to deduct from your dues for things I didn’t
like. For instance, noise disturbance allowance, delay in opening the gate due
to watchman sleeping habits, sewage blockage etc. You know my boss deducts me
lateness fee, tax, NHIF, NSSF, TGIF, LMFAO etc.
No wonder you
don’t even care when we tell you our drainage blocked, or the watchman is rude.
I will call a Plot 10 meeting to discuss this, according to the new
constitution dispensation, Ni Haki Yetu. As I had said earlier I will have
trouble paying next month’s rent and other arrears I owe you. I write to warn
you in advance. This month I have worked hard so I think I will reward myself
very hard as well. So as evidence on how I plan to spend my money, yes I said
it, it is my money not yours, see attached.
After you
read this letter, I will continue staying in your house without disturbance. I
have known your tricks now. You always want to have my money even before I can
enjoy it. You will not continue to enjoy my money and I have not enjoyed the
house. From now henceforth I will pay you at the end of the month. That’s when
I’m paid. I don’t do business like Man-Otis or Mama mboga, or even Wakithomo. Also, I don’t circumvent the men’s wallets
like Ijioma does. For me I work diligently then I wait patiently for my money
at the end of the month. Therefore I know you will understand. You help me I
help you. Remember I know what you have been doing with Waites, and you know my
wife and yours are friends. I could finish you with lighting a small fire in my
bedroom.
Thank you for
understanding.
Yours
faithful and sincere tenant,
KK
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